Hold Me Now
by puzzle of my heart
Summary: She knew she should not be there...it would only mean more pain, more suffering. But she could not stay away this would be the last time...it had to be. HHr. My first fanfic ever...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling and do not own Harry Potter..I'm just borrowing her charaters for a little while :-)!

AN - This is my first fancic ever! or atleast the first one i've actually finished. It was inspired by the Johnny Logan song, 'Hold Me Now' and is meant to be just a short story.

Hold Me Now

Everything was quiet as she apparated into the room. The curtains were drawn blocking out the bright sunshine which she knew was outside. This darkness hid the emptiness of the room, which would not betray the fact that a human being lived there.

'_Lumos_' she muttered, even though she would have been able to get around the room without any light.

The faint wand light illuminated a small dusty room which contained an old sofa that looked as if though no one had sat on it for the past ten years. The only sign that a person lived there were a couple of photographs showing two boys and a girl in their school uniforms, laughing and joking. She could not help but smile at the photos which reminded her of a happier, more innocent time.

Slowly she made her way to the door and quietly she opened it, although she knew that he would already know that she was there. The hallway looked as neglected as the room which she had just left. A faint light at the end of it showed her that she would find him in the bedroom, where he always waited for her.

The door creaked as she opened it and he looked up from the book which he was reading. It still struck her as odd to find him reading, even though she knew that he was no longer the young boy who sulked and pouted every time she dragged him to the library to research something.

'Hello' he said softly, as he slowly marked the page and set down the book

'Hello Harry' she said quietly while she turned to close the door.

She sensed more than heard him walk up to her and all of a sudden she felt herself being turned around. Before she could react his lips had found hers in a surprisingly gentle kiss. These meetings were generally hardly what you would call gentle, and by now they would usually be ripping the clothes off each other.

As he deepened the kiss she felt the tears which she had been trying to hold back, fall down her cheeks. She prayed that he would not notice. But in such close proximity it was impossible for him not to. As he brought his hand up to her face he noticed that her cheeks were wet and he slowly pulled away and looked at her.

'Well there goes the impression I had that I had improved in the kissing department since my fifth year' he said smiling cheekily, obviously trying to cheer her up and somehow she could not help it, she smiled too. He was the only person who could do this to her. Whenever she was miserable he always knew exactly what to say to make her smile, not even R…no she would not think like that.

At this she felt a gentle tug on her hand, as he took her smile as encouragement and led her to the bed. However no matter how much she tried to forget and give in to his kisses the tears still trickled down her face.

'What's wrong Hermione?' he asked, sitting down on the bed

'I can't do this anymore Harry' she sobbed, as she joined him on the bed 'I feel like

I'm getting torn in two, I can't keep lying to Ron…to everyone…I'm getting married in a week for Merlin's sake' she almost screamed the last part as her tears turned to anger.

His face however grew more resigned with each word she uttered, as if he had been expecting this to happen for a very long time.

'You know I would never ask you to sacrifice your happiness' he said quietly as he looked into the fire which illuminated the room. 'Maybe it would be better if we didn't she each other again' and at this he turned away from her.

'Oh, yes of course, how could I forget? You're Harry Potter always the martyr, always having to sacrifice his happiness for others!' At this she stomped over to him and turned him round to face her 'Don't you think I have a right to decide who it is that makes me happy? Harry I lo…' But he did not let her finish as he cut her off with a kiss.

She knew he did not want to hear the words; it would make everything much more difficult. It was his stupid noble notion that he could not give her the life she deserved while Voldemort was still around. That was why he had cut himself off from everyone. Why she was now a week away from marrying Ron, even though she would never be able to love him like she did Harry.

'Please don't say it Hermione' he said as he broke the kiss and looked deeply into her eyes. She knew what he was going to ask her before he even said it

'Can I at least have one last night with you?' he asked pleadingly

She could never deny him anything and slowly nodded her consent, which was all the encouragement that he needed as took her hand and led her to his bed.

She woke up as the sunlight was filtering through a gap in the curtains. This was the part she most hated…having to leave him. It became so much harder every time and the knowledge that today would be the last time she ever saw him like this was making it almost impossible for her to go. She loved how his hair looked even more messed up than normal, how long his lashes looked without his glasses to cover them, but most of all she loved how peaceful he looked when he was asleep.

Careful so as to not wake him, she left his embrace and quickly got dressed. If it felt difficult to leave him whilst he was asleep, she knew it would be impossible if he woke up and asked her to stay. Somewhere deep down she hoped that he would wake up and beg her to stay, but she also knew that he would never do that at least not while there was the threat of Voldemort hanging over his head.

She bent down to give him one last kiss as the tears started to run down her cheeks. 'Goodbye Harry' she whispered as she opened the door and let herself out. Once the door was closed she let herself say the words which she never had before, 'I love you' With that she apparated away feeling like she was leaving half of herself behind.

She just could not do it. She was not strong enough for this. As everyone buzzed around her with excitement, everything seemed to be strangely detached, as if it was only a dream. When her mother embraced her and told her that this should be the happiest day of her life something inside her snapped. She finally realised the huge mistake she was making, that she could never be happy this way. Not caring about the fact that she was already in her wedding dress or that the church was already full of people, she left. She realised that she should have left a long time ago, that this was not the life she wanted, he was not the one she wanted.

Apparating into the living room she instantly realised that something was not right. For the first time she could not sense his presence and it scared her. Not noticing her dress knocking over more than one thing she ran around the house looking for him. When she could not find him in any of the other rooms, she turned with trembling hands to open the door of his room. It was empty; the curtains open probably for the first time in months, letting in the sunlight which mocked her with its brightness. On the impeccably made bed there was an envelope with her name on it. Trying to fight back the tears she reached out and opened it.

_Dearest Hermione,_

_If you are reading this it means that you came back to me and have, in a way made me the happiest guy in the world. I'm sorry I won't be here to hold you but it was time for me to go and face my destiny (boy doesn't that sound melodramatic! I know not time for jokes!)_

_Even if you don't read this I just have to say how much I'll miss you when you're gone and how all my love for you will go on and on. I know I can never love anyone as much as I do you and you have been the one shining light in my life._

_Always remember that though I won't be there anymore I will always love you._

_What do you say when words are not enough?_

_Harry_

The tears were now freely falling down her face. She could not believe it. He was actually gone; she had let him go on his own. How could she have been so selfish, so stupid? It should not have been like this; she should have been at his side. She pulled the nearest pillow towards her and hugged it; it still smelt of him. She cried until she was sure that the tears would never stop but there was nothing else she could do. Nothing mattered to her anymore all she could do was wait and hope that one day he would come back to her.

AN - Love it...hate it? Please please review?


	2. Say Goodnight

A/N – Hey this still isn't the sequel to 'Hold Me Now' but rather it's the same story told from Harry's point of view. I just heard this song 'Say Goodnight' by The Click Five and I thought it fit perfectly to Harry's pov, so I just had to write it. Anyway I promise there will be a sequel…in fact its about half written…so look out for it soon.

Disclaimer – Like last time I still don't own Harry Potter or the lyrics to this song…just playing around with them for a bit longer :)

Say Goodnight  
_  
Baby just say goodnight  
I'll be gone tomorrow  
Baby just close your eyes  
I can't take the sorrow  
Baby just walk away  
You know I can't stay  
There's no easy way to say goodbye  
So baby just say goodnight_

He sensed more than heard her apparate into his living room. It had to be her no one else came to see him anymore; she was all he had left and even she was going to leave him soon. No, he should not think like that. He had chosen to be alone, it was not safe for anyone else to be with him, everyone who had ever cared for him had ended up dead. Having the death of all those people on his conscience was almost more than he could bear.

He did not want to think what it would be like if anything ever happened to her. She was the most important person in the whole world to him; he could never carry on if anything happened to her. So that was why they denied what they felt for each other. Why all they could have were stolen moments, when they could no longer stand being separated from each other. It was why she was getting married to his other best friend in the next week. Then she would be truly lost to him. But she would be happy and safe, that was the most important thing. It did not matter that he would never be able to have her ever again; he did not matter, all that mattered was that she was safe.

If he had it his own way she would be even safer soon. He was finally ready to face Voldemort, after years. That shadow which had hung over him for all his life would be lifted. The world would be safe…she would be safe. She was taking her time getting to him, he thought. Generally she would run to them and they would tumble into bed before they could let their guilt stop them. But something seemed to be different this time. Maybe they both sensed that for one reason or another; this would be the last time that this could take place. Deciding to let her find him, he picked up his book again and began to read.

He heard her quiet footsteps making their way to his door. It slowly creaked open and she stepped inside. She looked beautiful; every time he saw her he was sure that she became more beautiful. There was a bit of dust on her hair, it must have brushed off on her when she walked in the door. He wanted to run to her, to take her in his arms, to never let her go. Instead he carefully marked the page on his book, put it slowly aside and said hello.

"Hello Harry" came back her quiet reply.

As she turned to close the door, he could no longer resist her. Walking towards, he quickly grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around. He needed to kiss her; he had not kissed her in such a long time. Surprisingly the kiss was gentle and full of love, rather than hurried and passionate. When he brought his hand up to her cheek he realised that it was wet and in some part of his brain that was not overwhelmed by her, he noticed that she was crying. Pulling away from her he said the first thing that came to mind.

"Well there goes the impression I had that I had improved in the kissing department since my fifth year" oh god had he really just said that?

Maybe if he smiled at her she would think it was a joke. She was smiling at him. He had managed to make her smile, even with his really bad 'joke', he wondered if Ron could make her smile like that…no he should not think about that. She was here with him now and he would take whatever of her time she was willing to give him.

He gently pulled her hand towards the bed, hoping to make her forget all her worries. Still he noticed that she had not stopped crying and instead sat himself on the bed and asked, "What's wrong Hermione?" in his gentlest voice.

He was dreading her reply. He knew that this was the last time that he would see her and the last thing he wanted to do was to have an argument.

"I can't do this anymore Harry" he heard her sob.

He felt the mattress sag beside him as she joined him on the bed.

"I feel like I'm getting torn in two, I can't keep lying to Ron…to everyone…I'm getting married in a week for Merlin's sake' she almost screamed this last part at him.

There it was. He already knew all of this of course; in fact he had expected this to happen a long time ago. He had always been resigned to the fact that she would eventually chose Ron over him, after all he had nothing to offer her, apart from the fact that a madman wanted to murder him. No, he had no future to offer her. She would leave him now to go and be happy and he would not stop her. After all he had to go face his destiny and she could never know that. He looked into the fire which illuminated the room and quietly said,

"You know I would never ask you to sacrifice your happiness… maybe it would be better if we didn't she each other again"

He knew she would not like what he had just said, so he got up from the bed and walked away from her. Even though he could not see her, he could feel her getting even angrier with him. Why had he just said that? This was exactly what he had not wanted to happen.

"Oh, yes of course, how could I forget? You're Harry Potter always the martyr, always having to sacrifice his happiness for others!" She screamed at him.

He heard her get up off the bed and stomp towards him, he felt her hands on his arms and he let her turn him around.

"Don't you think I have a right to decide who it is that makes me happy? Harry I lo…"

He could not let her finish, everything would be so much more complicated if she had said those three words. So he kissed her, it was after all the most effective way he had found of making her stop talking.

'Please don't say it Hermione' he said as he broke pulled away from her. He made the mistake of looking into her eyes and he knew that he could not let her go just yet.

So in his most pleading voice he said, 'Can I at least have one last night with you?'

Deep down he knew that this was not fair on her; she could never deny him anything he asked for. The moments it took her to nod her head were the longest of his life. Though that was all the encouragement that he needed and he took her hand in his and slowly led her to his bed.

The fire had nearly burned itself out by the time she fell asleep beside him. Knowing that this was the last time that he would be able to watch her like this; he found it impossible to sleep. If it was possible he would believe that she looked even prettier while she was asleep.

Her face was peaceful and showed none of the worries she always had. Her hair was a mass of curls spread out on the pillow and he could not resist the urge to move a lock which had fallen across her face. He saw her smile as his fingers lightly brushed against her face and slowly her eyes fluttered open.

"Hmmmm, is it time to get up?" she said sleepily.

"Not yet Hermione, go back to sleep for a little bit longer" He knew the next few words they said to each other would probably be their last.

He watched her yawn sleepily and say a muffled "night night" before she cuddled up to him. He knew that he would never be able to say goodbye to her so he settled for kissing her forehead and saying, "Goodnight, Hermione"

Making sure she was actually asleep, he quietly added "I love you". Then holding back tears he put his head down on the pillow and let sleep overtake him.

By the time he woke up the next day his bed was empty and he knew she was gone. That was it; he would never see her again. He was under no illusions; he knew that he would probably not live through his confrontation with Voldemort. Even if he did, she would belong to someone else by the time he got back. He could live with that though, as long as she was happy nothing else mattered.

Slowly he got up and carefully remade the bed. He walked towards the curtains and purposefully opened them letting the sunlight stream in. It was a glorious summer day, the perfect type of day. He knew she would have wonderful weather for her wedding.

Sighing he started to pack the few things which he would take with him. Some clothes, a few books and most importantly a small photo of her.

When everything was in order he sat at the small desk which was in a corner of his room. This would be the most difficult part. How was he meant to write a letter to her? He was not even sure she would ever read it. But somehow it would just feel wrong to leave without leaving something behind for her to know what had happened to him.

After four or five attempts, which were either too polite or downright lies, he decided that the only thing that would do was something that came straight from the heart. So picking up the quill which he had flung away in anger, he pulled a piece of parchment in front of him and began to write.

Half an hour later he sealed the envelope and wrote _Hermione _on it, before placing it gently on the bed. Fighting back tears he decisively walked out of the bedroom. He knew that if he did not leave now, he would never leave and would just wait for her to return to him. With one last glance into the room which held so many memories he apparated away.


End file.
